stress..

what is stress? do we really need stress? what if there are no stress in the world? hmm.. not good i think.. i feel we need a certain amount of stress for us to live.. but is too much stress healthy? that's not good too i think..

i'm not yet asleep.. i'm feeling a little overdose of stress.. didn't get the hdb flat nur and i wanted.. basically i don't have enuf money in my cpf.. why is it that people can get a lot of cpf amount in 4 years while i can't? i needed more money than i thought.. and all because of the lack of cpf amount, we couldn't get a house of our own.. but i've been talking to myself, telling myself not to give up.. not to give up.. not to give up..

i MUST give nur this house for us to live in.. i simply can't take the idea that i'm going to live with another family while i'm trying to build a family.. different family different views.. different character.. different concept.. different style.. different method.. different reaction.. different perception..

both nur and i can't take the way the other family handles situations.. each of us can't stand the other's family's method, style, character, thinking..etc..

how? and now i'm actually not sleeping due to my dear nur.. in case she can't sleep.. i'm so worried for her.. i know from the start that she's been going thru a whole load of stress from young.. it's really tough for her.. really really tough.. i know she's gone thru tougher situations than me..

i for one, am grateful that i've met her.. that i've met and fallen in love with a person like her.. and she in turn fallen in love with me.. and especially that she has accepted me for who i am and wishes to be with me for the rest of her life as my wife.. and me as her husband.. alhamdulillah..

bottom line.. having known that she been going thru a whole load of stress from her own family and still keeping her faith in god and staying strong, gets a whole load of admiration from me.. i feel that any tom, dick or harry will definitely crumble, having to go thru what she's been thru..

in addition, she's still willing to sacrifice her time and energy for others.. more than herself.. and no matter how stressful she is or how impatient she is, if she sets her mind on something, she'll go full throttle.. even though at times to the extent of sacrificing others' feelings, things do get done in the end.. due to her full throttle.. quote from my aunt,"she's so efficient!"

and that's what she is... efficient.. she will tire herself to the max just to get things done.. i usually have to cool her down in order not to make her to tired to do anything else.. and i'll always get so worried because of this.. pros and cons u might say..

and now.. she's feeling stress again.. it's because of the current situation.. it's because of her character that she can't get what she wants.. and whatever she want is something i would like her to get.. i'm sorry nur.. there's been lots of times i make u so stressed up that u get fed up..

now i'm still worry about you.. i felt the urge to call u back and scold u for just hanging up on me without saying anything.. but i thought back and felt it was a very unneccessary thing for me to do.. that would add up to your current stressful mind.. i'm sorry that i even thought of scolding you for that..

i need to control my anger.. it is something i know i lack.. control.. both of us know that.. anyone who really know me knows that.. i lack control.. anger usually ends up controlling me.. short fuse u might say.. all someone needs is to know the right amount of spark and where to spark is enough for me to blow up..

i feel so bad that i've disappointed you nur.. because of my cpf, we couldn't get that house.. we'll find an agent to get the choices for the places we want and the budget ok?

i applied half day leave (unpaid), just for this and we ended up empty.. my feelings were right that we could get the place we want.. sigh.. only problem is my cpf..

can't seem to ease my mind enough.. i thought i felt better.. well, i did feel better just now.. but as soon as i reached home, what happened in the afternoon came back to my mind too..

now, the time's to short.. shit.. not enough time to get a house before marriage..

shit, i have to go out early in the morning for work.. and i'm sleepy.. is she going to call? and i can't get my mind off the afternoon incident.. i need to sleep.. can't seem to sleep..

well, nevermind.. there's nothing fruitful for me to say anymore, for now.. guess i'll just go to bed and wait for a few more minutes before doing my zzzzs..